Stupid beauty adverts and why I love them.

With Christmas fast approaching I’m having fun watching the beauty adverts. Yes, I know I need to get out more. Like any advert that is about to employ “science” to sell you something advertisers seem to lose the plot. Out come the white coats, the ridiculous claims, the invention of new breakthrough product,  bullshitium. They’re all breakthrough by the way. I mean Pantene now comes in a water based formula – well thank god for that, I can finally throw away my acid based shampoo and that Gastrol conditioner was doing nothing for my locks, so thank you Pantene for inventing this revolutionary product. Oh no, wait a minute, that’s right, that’s rubbish. All bloody shampoo is water based, it’s the first principle ingredient, only they don’t call it water, it’s aqua. Aqua sounds more scientific, more chemically, more expensive. I’m not going to pay £4 for a tub of water but a tub of aqua, why £4 is a positive steal!

I know I mock and as Steve will tell you I’m right at the front of the queue for fancy pots of lotion, I enjoy it, nice smelly creams and potions are fun but it doesn’t make me stupid so I don’t appreciate being treated as such. Do you remember that awful ad with Jennifer Anniston doing a hair or skin advert when she uttered the atrocious line “Concentrate, here comes the science bit” Huh? Because I wash my hair does that make me the intellectual equivalent of a dung beetle, if I clap hands do I miss? What is the correlation between beauty products and stupidity? And before you men try to jump up and answer that question can I draw your attention to the recent “male grooming” adverts? It appears that you poor chaps have been neglectful of your skin, all that snowboarding, bmx-ing, rally car racing, boxing and late night poker games are hell on your dermis, but don’t worry L’Oreal knows that when you play tough you need Hydra Energetic. No, it’s not moisturiser, that’s for girls; this is Hydra Energetic, totally different. Really. Honestly.

It’s like the coke adverts. Diet Coke is advertised by dolls in a fashion agency, Zero Coke however is in a black can. It’s cool. Again it seems to be drunk in between boxing, snowboarding and driving cool cars. If you check their website they agree that there is a slight taste change between the two products but both have the level of calories and sweetners. Clearly the advertisers realised that men didn’t care about their weight but liked the idea of all that cool snowboarding!

I don’t know if this blatant targeting of men is a step forward or a step back. I suppose it’s nice to see that men are now also being treated as idiots by the advertising agencies and it’s a far cry from the Brut adverts, although that Old Spice advert did go in for a lot of surfing. Women seem to sit around looking pretty whilst men go out and do stuff. Exciting stuff. Stuff that involves boards or mud or white water. When they start advertising rugby players using Hydra Energetic then I’ll be impressed but I can’t see it happening. Mind you Gavin Henson would be the ideal candidate.

So I don’t see what’s wrong with a bit of prettiness and pampering. Why should frills and ribbons have something to do with IQ, why should the love of pink denote lesser brain power? Because I’m not prepared to be patronised by a gender that believes the loo roll fairy changes the roll over, that isn’t aware that the lid on top of the laundry bin is actually removable and that cups hidden behind curtains won’t go green with mold.

So Steve, if you read this a gift pack from Clarins will do just nicely and I’ll continue to tackle the laundry bin on my own.

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